Some Things Should Never Be Done In Bed

14 Aug 2018

“She likes to pinch me.

That’s cute and all but she pinches fucking hard. Like she’s auditioning to be a crab.” — krosisabyss

“When she wants me to finish, she will start to cheer me on like, “you can do it! I know you can! You’re so strong! You can do it!”, and not in a sexy way, but more like a mom on the sidelines of a soccer match tone… makes it really hard to finish with that imagery….” — doctorbangarang

“Sometimes she talks in her sleep and it’s kind of cute.

What isn’t cute is being woken up by the death threats at 3am. She then continues snoring.

Theres something very disturbing about sleep death threats.” — nathanb065

“Once during sex my SO, who isn’t into “dirty talk” at all, thought she’d try it and just whispered “vagina” right in my ear. We were both laughing so much we had to stop.

Also the first time I went down on her, she said “thanks”. — EasyBrit

“Sometimes he farts himself awake.” — TheWickedA

“She always takes all the covers in the middle of the night and piles them around our dog.” — tj3_23

“Well, she let the dog sleep in the bed next to her while I was out of town for work. Said dog was about 25lbs then, now three years later, I have to contend with a 65lb German Shepherd/Lab mix trying to worm her way between us every night. Sex is all good tho, because we keep the door closed.” — TheDeadliestSnatch

“Girl has no rythm at all. She’ll randomly just start bucking in a weird pattern that doesn’t match me at all, and then when I try to match her, she changes her rythm!” — HokkaidoThrowaway

“He will suddenly and randomly slam HARD into me, just once or twice. I think he mistakes my little gasp as pleasure, and in the moment speech is a near impossibility, but I tend to forget to say something by the time we’re done. Gonna message him now” — jenamac

“Definitely would have to be baby talk, it’s just weird as hell in my opinion.” — CrawfordCrawford

“Ex once squeezed my balls after oral. Not a fun time.” — notaschlong

“She wants me to lick her armpits. Listen I have have no problem trying anything in bed. I eat ass, suck toes, and everything in between. So I’m down to lick her armpit if she wants me to. Here’s the kicker though she didn’t wash off her deodorant, I wasn’t able to get the taste out my mouth for several hours after it was gross.

I’ve since done it after she washed off the deodorant, but that one experience made it a turn off for me. However I follow the advice of “not everything you do in bed is going to be your favorite” – WoodyG. So I just push through it, but I do hate it.” — yoHatchet

“My ex always bit my boobs. It started out being hot, but gradually it got too painful. After about a month or so it just felt numb. We had kind of a basic routine of what sexual stuff we did.

One of the positive outcomes of this break-up (and there are very few – this whole thing has sucked) is that I no longer have giant hickeys on my boobs, and my nipples don’t hurt all the time either.

Also his futon had tons of jizz stains, and it was gross. I did not like making out with him on a jizz-covered futon.” — sailormoonfish

“When she speaks to my penis the way in which you’d say “who’s a good boy?” to a dog. Usually she’ll mention something about “him” being her true love, while I’m “completely useless”. Sometimes she will ask to “have a talk with him”.

This all usually precedes a blowjob though, so I can live with it.” — falafel_consultant

“She is usually very girly with a soft voice, but when she is close to cumming she does this deep guttural noise that makes me think I’m fucking a gorilla.” — zeoranger